Fat Girl Phobias: Fears of the Heavier Woman

In the episode, Danielle, the host, is joined by a long-time client, Carol Eakin. They discuss the insecurities, fears and misconceptions faced by heavier women, like not fitting in spaces designed for smaller bodies, the societal pressure to eat less in public, and the internalized stigmas about their own bodies. They stress the importance of having open conversations about these fears to foster human connection and subsequent change.

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Transcription

Welcome to The Crying in My Cheesecake podcast, where we are in pursuit of living life, abundantly not held back by our body size or symptoms, nor are we held back by our hurts, habits, or other obstacles in life. Learn the secrets to crush it in your health, wellness, relationships, and spiritual life. I am Danielle your host and practitioner, and in this episode we’re doing a little, a little something different.

I am, you’re going to actually hear or step into the conversation I had with a longtime client and she has had this on her heart and so have I for years to address kind of this silent group of ladies specifically, maybe gentlemen too, but the demographics say that mostly ladies are listening to this podcast, so something that’s kind of silent that some, a lot of women, not some, but a lot of women actually struggle with and it’s the fears of the heavier woman.

And this gal that I talk with in this episode, you’re literally going to enter into our conversation. It’s so cool. We just literally started spewing things out in a way that was like, oh my gosh. It’s almost like we have held this in. We so long. It needs to be, it needs to be shared. It needs to be shared in order to create that human connection in order to like this vulnerability, because I, I always say vulnerability leads to human connection, which leads to change.

And the change I’m looking for is not, nec is not necessarily acceptance. It’s not necessarily like, you know, anything like that, but it’s this change of mind that I’m not alone and that’s where I’m going today with this episode because. So often we find ourselves feeling lonely and isolated. And I often think that sometimes we are our own self.

We sabotage ourselves. We’re our own worst enemy because we see things magnified at a, at a level of magnification that no one else sees and no one else even cares about. And so we will pull away because we feel shameful. We because we feel that we’ve done something wrong. We’ve not been perfect, we don’t have the perfect body.

And one example, and this may be TMI for some of you ladies out there, but one example is if you have saggy boobs, you’re not supposed to go without a bra. And that is something that I am working on in 2024, is that it’s okay for a woman with not perky boobs to also go without a bra. Even if it’s outside the home.

And that’s something that it’s like, I shouldn’t feel shame over my saggy boobs because they nursed three babies. They may be empty sacks and my kids affectionately call them punching bags and, and Pancakes empty pancakes. But it’s, it’s something that it, it causes, I don’t know, self-consciousness.

It causes this idea that I’m not feminine enough because my boobs aren’t where they were many years ago. And this morning I even shared this reel about good girls. You know, I was taught to be a good girl growing up. And being a good girl actually meant when you, when you dissect it out, being a good girl meant that I didn’t rock the boat.

And that is heavy for me. I didn’t rock the boat, I didn’t draw attention to myself. And if I did, if it wasn’t good attention, I mean I was in trouble big time. And it wasn’t like I got beat, which I did get beat at times because I, I know that I deserved most of those beatings, if not all of them. But it was that I’m disappointed in you and fun fact.

Oh my gosh, we’re just sharing all the stories today, aren’t we? And you, you’re gonna understand why, because this episode goes really deep. But I forgot to pick my daughter up from gymnastics on Saturday. Oh my gosh. So I have forgotten both my boys and my daughter’s biggest fear is being forgotten.

Okay. And we actually went one day, we were, I think three minutes late because the boys and my husband and I went to the farmer’s market and we were just literally three minutes late to pick her up. And she was on the side of the, of the, or on the sidewalk, like sobbing uncontrollably. And so I drove straight to AT&T, got their cheapest iPhone.

And it was literally, it was free actually at the time, which I’m like, okay, cool. And it’s like the most generic of iPhones ever. We have everything locked down and she is, so she uses it as a phone and texting just for us. When she is gone, it’s always plugged in, in the kitchen. So we ran straight to AT&T and t and got her a phone and I really think that that saved and prepared for me for getting her on Saturday.

But anyway, so we got in the car or I get in the car and I call her back and I’m like, Hey babe, I’m just gonna talk to you the whole time while I’m, while I’m on my way. And it was like 10 minutes or something to come get her. And I’m like, I’m gonna talk to you the whole time so you know that I’m on my way and that you’re not alone.

All of the things. And I’m like, I thought I’m doing a good, I’m doing a great job. Good job mom. Patting myself on the back. Okay. Then she gets in the car and she’s definitely very emotional. And so I’m like, okay, look, it took you 11 years for me to forget you. And then, and I said, honestly, I didn’t forget you.

I forgot it was my responsibility to pick you up, because it’s usually my husband that does it anyway. And I was writing my dissertation. I had a really good excuse. But also, that’s not a good excuse to forget your child, especially the one that you, that we are the most cognizant about, of never being late to get her anyway.

So I’m like, babe, I’m so sorry. I did not mean to forget you or forget to pick you up. But it, in all fairness, it took you 11 years to be forgotten and your brothers were forgotten at like three, and the other one was maybe forgotten at like four or five. I said, so it happened a lot later. At least you were older and you know, had enough, you know, or was were able to call me and whatever.

Well, that wasn’t enough. So she went in and was like, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. My child, my inner child started to cry and I was shocked that it came out of her mouth. But also I realized that the word disappointment had been used against me in so many of the wrong ways. My daughter’s allowed to be disappointed in me.

She’s allowed to be disappointed in me because I really did mess up, and that’s legit. And it takes time to earn that respect and trust and whatever back, right? But talking about how disappointment was used against me was when I didn’t rock or when I was rocking the boat. And I look back and I think of the things that I was quote unquote rocking the boat about.

It was having another opinion. It was questioning the way things were and what was expected of me because. I didn’t, I saw past the manipulation and it was interesting as I was making this post today about, and I’m gonna, I’m gonna go ahead and just pull it up and read it because I think it’s so important to understand that we are not required to not rock the boat.

I wrote, whoops, and it’s plain in the background. I wrote, I was taught to be the good girl, perfect grades, no rocking the boat, not talking about politics, trusting the government and modern medicine, not to think for myself, but to go along with what is socially acceptable. But all that has has changed and here’s why.

And I can’t get this to stop playing, which is annoying. But the thing is, is that we have created a culture so tolerant that there, the the number of people walking away from church is insane. We have created a country and a, a culture that is so tolerant that there’s no Jesus in it anymore. And those people that follow Jesus, just stay quiet.

People that are admirers of Jesus walk away because I can walk away from an artist that I, that I admire and not have any relationship with that person. It’s about relationships. And again, that idea of vulnerability, being able to be shared in a safe space where it doesn’t matter if you rock the boat, but your vulnerabilities are allowed to be shared because then that creates human connection, which then creates change.

And that’s what I do so deeply in the wilderness of wellness. The wilderness of wellness is a space. And today, in today’s my Bible study, it was about how we need safe spaces. To grow and build our roots deep, and that everything we do should be a reflection of God’s work in us and through us. And it’s interesting when we think about vulnerabilities and sharing and having an opinion and rocking the boat and not being a good girl.

It’s interesting to think about how we live such a small life and we were taught and told and promised living life abundantly in the promised land back in scripture and all. Some of us are just living, scrolling, Tik-Tok, scrolling Instagram, scrolling, social media, because we are, we don’t even have relationships with people in real life anymore.

And so then when we have to go do real-life things, we don’t know how to even behave. And the wilderness of wellness is changing that. It’s allowing you to have those deeper relationships in a safe space where you don’t have to compare to anybody else where you can break those mind mindset habits or thought patterns that you have that are constantly spinning in a record on your, on, on your head, in your head.

And it makes me wonder how many of you women living or living listening to this podcast are fearful because you’re the heavier woman in the room. I am always, and always have been one of the heaviest women in the room. Even when at my leanest I was still the heaviest woman in the room, even going into Olympic lifting or anything like that, I’m still one of the heaviest women in the room.

And in this podcast episode, we talk about how much harder it is for the heavier woman, even if she is healthier. We, we talk about these struggles. Something I didn’t talk about though is this idea of Olympic lifting, which I’m on pause from still because of my pelvic floor, but which I’m actually going to be, I’m going to a new pelvic floor physical therapist tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow. And Melissa’s gonna be uploaded on Wednesday. So anyway, Tuesday I’m going to the new physical therapist that’s actually in my office and she understands what’s going on and she’s going to look at me from a medical perspective. But anyway, to be, to be talked about here in a little bit.

But what I didn’t talk about with that is that even though I was very lean, Olympic lifting, I would still have to outlift someone that weighed 60 pounds less than me, which I guess it makes sense, but because I’m heavier, I have to lift more. And it’s interesting that not only do women like in sports have to perform even harder in that way, but women that are heavier have to pay more in, in clothing, possibly shoe size.

Probably bras to get bras to go around. I’ll never forget when again, I was at my leanest in the last few, or it was like two or three years ago. I was at my leanest before the Hashimoto’s kicked in. That was great. But I was at my leanest and my lats were growing. And so my bras, of course, my lats, you know, the muscles in your underneath, behind your armpit, those were growing, which means I had to get bigger bands around for my bra.

And of course that was expensive. And we’ve been taught that we have to shrink ourselves so much in order to fit in. So this episode goes almost an hour, I think. I’m not a hundred percent sure, but it goes almost an hour. And I want to invite you into a conversation with two real women sharing their vulnerabilities in hopes of offering you connection and change that you, even if it’s a mindset shift, that you’re not alone.

Now this client, her name is Carol Aiken. She has been a client, a nutrition client of mine when I was first started nutrition coaching. And then she moved along with me into nutritional therapy and now she’s allowing me to help, you know, be her naturopathic doctor and so forth. And so she has sh come and shifted along with me, alongside me, and she’s also part of my Wilderness of Wellness membership.

And she is just like everyone else, she’s a new mom. She’s had lots of life changes, she’s had lots of things happen, but she’s always been the larger woman as well. So come join our conversation now. Fears of heavier women chairs, tying our shoes, all of these things. I think that there are so many pieces of life that are unspoken with women that carry extra weight.

And I think we have healthy fears. I think we don’t wanna sit on a chair and break it and we wanna sit in a chair and know that we fit. But I also know that there are things that, that heavier women think about that thinner women have never even, and even gentlemen, have not had to even think, like it’s not something in the back of their mind.

Yeah.

So like it’s something that’s never even crossed their mind. Yeah. To even like, have to think about like when planning, when you’re going out somewhere. There’s so much work that goes into the pre-planning of just meeting a friend for something.

Yeah. So like, let’s just say that, you know, because we’re such a digital, we’re in such a digital age where we meet people online or we send text messages or phone calls or FaceTime and stuff.

And that’s one thing. But when we’re like, Hey girl, let’s go get coffee. And then you, they shove you in a booth somewhere. Mm-Hmm. And like that’s the one of the first things I think about. And like most of the time, like I do fit in there, but I still have that body, what is that called? The, is it dysmorphia?

Yeah. Where I feel like I’m bigger than I am sometimes. And like yeah. I’m like, oh, I can fit. But then there are other times I’m like, oh shoot, this is a tight squeeze. Like we’re getting close, but it’s booths, like booths are, I don’t know. I feel like hostesses should be trained. Right,

right. Like or the places that have the super tall.

Like pub style chairs. Mm-Hmm. It’s so uncomfortable. And I don’t, like, I sometimes can brush it off and be like, oh, I’m so short because I’m short too. So it’s like a double whammy of uncomfort. Mm-Hmm. Like discomfort, but it’s like, how am manning it up in this chair and not make a spectacle of myself, this short, fat woman trying to get up in this tall chair.

Ugh. So, yeah, I definitely like research the places we’re going before, not, and also the menu. ’cause I’m like, okay, what am gonna get, I’m gonna get judged about. So there’s a lot the, I mean, I call them like fat girl fears because it’s, and you’re like, it’s, it is, it’s fears of being a bigger woman and it’s, there’s so much physical space that we don’t wanna take up.

But it’s also a mental space that we don’t wanna take up. Yes. Like we wanna take, because like, some of the things, I guess just jump into it. I, I have a list on my phone. But some of, a lot of it revolves around social gatherings and things, right? Like our friends and how we’re perceived or how we’re perceived by the public.

But one of the things that I will not do is, or I hate, is if a group of friends are like, Hey, are you hungry? Let’s go out. I will never say I’m hungry, because I don’t wanna be perceived as, oh, you fat girl, she must be hungry. Uh-Huh? So I will never say that. I’m like, oh, sure, I could eat, you know, try to blow it off or like, where do what sounds good to you?

What, and I will, I’m not really a very picky person, but I will always say, oh, I’m not picky. What do you guys want? Because me saying, oh, let’s go here. In my head it’s like, oh, the fat girl clearly wants to go to this. Not that. My friends and whoever I’m with, they’re thinking any of that. Right? That’s what I think they’re perceiving though.

I’m a larger person. So I must be hungry and I must wanna go and eat this big meal and X, Y, and z. One of the things I also wrote down is, and I’m sure this has happened to many of us larger gals, is again, putting in the road work. We’re looking places up before we go. What kind of seating is it? What kind of parking is there?

That’s also just like an older person thing. I don’t wanna park far.

I love, I will parallel park like a fool. Like, I’ve got this. Yeah. But you asked me to pull into a place and I’m like, pit sweat immediately. Yes. Like, seriously. Yeah. Yeah.

I like, ugh, how’s parking gonna be? But then also menu. What am I going to eat that I’m not gonna be perceived as like maybe I want the big fatty burger.

Yep. But I’m like, oh, I’ll get the salad or the chicken, whatever, because Yeah. You know, or I’ll get a smaller meal, but we, I have either maybe eating something right before. Or I know I’m going in the drive-through right after this, but I’m not going to eat what I maybe feel like I want eat because I can’t eat like that in front.

And I’ve had so many friends and they’re like, they’re like, oh, you eat like a bird or you Yeah. I’m like, that’s in front of you. Yes. But in the private and like the deep parts of my disorder, like eating disorder, I’m eating by myself in a car

like binging. And that’s something too, like when we think of fears, it’s fear of being known.

Yeah. Fear of actually taking up space. I remember, you know, so obviously Carol and I grew up together and this was, we grew up in the same community. So do you remember in kind of Ill, when Applebee’s first came in. Huh. Do you remember that, like when Applebee’s was first there and then did you remember like the trendy thing to do when we were high schoolers or?

Yeah, it was, it was in high school for me that it came in, I think. But it was so trendy to order the salad and just get the side salad. And girlfriend, I was an athlete. Yeah. And I was hungry. Yeah. But I knew that it was only acceptable to have this salad. And that was it. Yes. And I think it came with a gar, a piece of garlic toast or something.

So it was pure carbs, which means that it could fill you up like right away, but then you are hungry like a couple hours later, if not before you leave. Right. Yeah. And I’m just like, it was always to me like I had to eat like a dainty person. Let’s be real. Yeah. There is nothing about me that has ever been dainty.

Yeah. Like my words, I’m loud, I take up space. If I come into in any room, people are gonna know it because I’m probably crashing into something. Let’s be real. Yeah. I mean, I got outta the car the other day and I had jeans on, like good jeans, not just old jeans, but you know, like how good jeans are, like thicker.

Yeah. And they got some whatever I got outta my car and I like ran my thigh into something and I’m like, what Just went into my thigh and it was the ice scraper had like gone and like scraped the whole part of my thigh. And I’m like, well that’s fun. So I always making a scene. It doesn’t matter where on purpose or not.

Yeah. Yeah. I am not built for salad. I mean, I like a salad. Yeah. Don’t get me wrong. Yeah. But it’s that social acceptable, socially acceptable thing of Mm-Hmm. I should be allowed to eat what I need to eat. And let’s be real. We were corn-fed like we were corn-fed. We wanted food. We wanted food to stick to our ribs.

But then it actually probably cost our parents more when we would go out because we’re not only paying for like the salad and tip, but then we needed more food when we got home. Right. And I think that idea of the fear of being known for who we really are and our needs that runs really deep. Yeah.

Because we have been told that we have to shrink ourselves and, and make no, like, feel shameful about eating food no matter what size we are. And the fear is being known. The fear is taking up space because we’ve caused problems or we have perceived that we’re a problem. Like, because we know the real us.

Right? Yeah. We know that we really are a problem and we have problems. Yeah. And we don’t want other people to see that. Right. So it was fun when I went out to lunch with you at a really fun Mexican restaurant. Nidhi, I, I still think about it by the way. Yeah, it was, it was really good. But it was so nice to be able to go Mm-Hmm.

Out with you and not feel like I had to order a certain way. And there’s people that will not go out with me ’cause they think I’m gonna judge their food because of my line of work. And I’m like, Mm-Hmm. I’m gonna be ordering the nachos. I’m gonna be ordering the burger. I’m gonna be ordering all of the things that everybody else likes.

Yeah. Because that’s real life. And like some of the fears of like, of going out is, I think that is some of the underlying thing is we don’t wanna be seen. Mm-Hmm.

Right. I don’t want attention drawn on me because it’s potentially negative. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s, and we take up again, a more physical space.

Mm-Hmm. But it’s like, I don’t wanna take up anyone’s visual space or like mental space like too, like, oh my gosh, look at her. That big girl, you know? ’cause I mean, I do it too. I’m human. I definitely like am walking around. I see someone who’s bigger than me, or maybe I just perceived to be bigger than me, but probably we’re the same size.

And I’m like, oh my gosh, look at her. And I’m like, that’s me. Yeah. Yeah. And

it’s, but like, where did we get to this idea that we’re allowed to have opinions of other women’s bodies. Right. You know what I’m saying? Yeah. And like we have to make, we have to make, I guess, mental space to say, okay, these people are probably gonna judge me for these, this, this, and this.

But really they just wanna spend time with us. Yeah. And it really takes away from our experience with our friends or our family and things. And like, I think that there are things, you know, thinking about our body size, you know, we’ve talked about going to restaurants, but like when you go to a gym Yeah.

When you go to a gym, especially like a CrossFit gym, I, Mm-Hmm. Like I’ll go to a regular gym, whatever, but I really like CrossFit gyms because it’s just more of what I believe in and more of what I enjoy. But all of those bodies in there, while they may not have always looked like that, I get that. Like I totally get that.

But those bodies in there are able to do things that my body may not be able to physically do because of my size. Yeah. And what’s embarrassing is like while I may be able to do some of those movements and I can, I do many of the movements my body makes noises and like my skin will flap if I’m doing Yes.

Or pushups, like the sound of my stomach, like flapping and the extra skin that just hangs, or my, like when I, I really hate this part when my arm, my arms will clap against my sides. Yes. And I’m like, because like the extra boob skin and then whatever the side, whatever’s on the side that, you know what I’m talking about.

Yes. Like that is so embarrassing that the clappings not from someone cheering me on. I guess I am my own

cheerleader.

That’s such a positive way to look at that. Yes. I’m gonna

be my own cheerleading squad.

Yes. The body’s cheering me on. Literally.

But, but really, like even at home, like I have a full gym in my, in my home, in my garage, and even then it gives me pause. I’m like, I’m the only one in here. I’m the only one who cares what sounds are coming out.

It still gives me an embarra, like, almost like a shameful, embarrassing. Like, oh, I wish I could just go get this cut off, or I wish I could go do this. And, and so some of the things I’ve done, and we can get to this later, like some things like how we can overcome some of these thoughts and things like that.

But one of the things I do is I play my music so loud that I can’t hear it. That’s right. And it rounds it out. Yeah. And it makes me feel good. And it’s like music that makes me feel good about myself. And you know, that’s the last thing we want to be thinking about, the size of our bodies when we’re going out to have fun with family and friends or heading to the gym to make ourselves better.

Like these things are so I, I guess it’s embarrassing, but it’s also makes us feel isolated and alone. Mm-Hmm. Because we don’t wanna talk about it. Yeah. And we wanna end that stigma. We wanna end this stigma.

Yeah. Well, and I think, like you said, like it goes back to, to that feeling of like, I don’t wanna be seen, I don’t wanna take up any space here, but I should be allowed to like anyone else, straight size or whatever.

Because you know, like thinking, going back to the gym when like, I used to go to like an Anytime Fitness specifically, because I could go anytime. Yeah. So I wouldn’t go during normal times. I’d go late at night when no one was maybe there and I, you know, would do my little whatever, kind of work out There’d, maybe be two other people in there and I’d get the, they have like a little room in there and you could do like a class and stuff.

Oh. And I remember being at other gyms and things like, one of my favorite things as far as exercise is to dance Mm-Hmm. And move my body that way. And like Zumba and those kinds of things. But, and I love to go and like, take classes and like do something like that. But there’s this fear, you know, I’ve done Zumba classes and things where like I’ve hidden in the background and I like because, and I will like kill myself to try to keep up with people so that no one is like, oh, fat girl can’t keep up kind of thing.

Yep. You know, like I might not be able to breathe and my face is red. I might go up, but I’ll like do anything I can. Push myself so hard just to try to like, you know, kind of keep up, even if it’s, you know, like a certain move or something is really difficult and I might hurt myself doing. Yeah. Yep. And I have like, yep, it’s, I will do that.

So, or I just won’t go to those things and shy away from it. And it’s like, I am, you know, the community part of, I think a group class or something, or a gym, like you said, like CrossFit, there’s such a big community part of that, which is really important I think, when looking at our health because it’s not just, you know, you need support and you need accountability and you need, like someone cheering you on, or even like at a gym, if you’re doing a movement wrong, I need someone there to show me how to do it so I don’t hurt myself.

Yep. So but I shy away from those things, so it’s like I hold my own self back for fear of what other people may or may not think or view. Yeah. But it’s all in my head, like, ’cause I’m judging myself. Yeah,

and I think that we are our own worst enemies because if you go, most CrossFit gyms are so inclusive of everyone, and it is a family thing.

Now I’m just not one that wants to socialize. Like I’m there to get the workout in. I don’t wanna be friends with anybody. Like, I’m so bad, I’m there to work. Just gimme the, gimme the, the workout. Let me do my thing and tell me what I’m doing wrong and push me and leave me alone. Like don’t talk. I don’t care about the weather.

Don’t talk to me about the weather, although the sunshine is out, which I will talk about sunshine. Living in southwest Ohio with over two weeks of no sun has been not so fun. I actually went and got some vitamin D out because I’m like, I have not seen a lick of UV anywhere. So I’m like, I’ve gotta go do something.

So anyway, all that to say, we are our own worst enemies, but it’s because there’s the underlying shame factor. And I taught, I don’t know, at the beginning of the, of January about that people who are overweight or obese, 80% of them think it’s their fault. Yeah. And I, I feel that like, oh, I should, like, I should, I know better or I, whatever, but I, who, what about that little girl?

I was a pretty plus and proud girl, like Sears catalog and JCPenney catalog. I could not buy my clothes as a young girl at the store. Yeah. I could not go and try things on. My mom and dad had to spend, you know, what was it, two, $3 extra on top of what the normal price of the clothes were. So of course I was paying more money.

And so we would have to order it through the catalog back in the old days on the phone, order it with the call center and mom would order like two different sizes. So then, you know, you’re putting out that money to begin with, right? Like right. Putting out all that money just to see if things fit. And then we’d have to drive 40 minutes to the nearest town to go return it if, you know, whatever didn’t fit.

And it just felt so like, I wasn’t cute. Yeah. I think that started, for me personally, it started for me this, this idea that I didn’t fit in with feminine girls. Yeah. And I’m glad I grew up in a time period when I wasn’t, like my boobs weren’t chopped off and I like all of that. I’m glad I was allowed to be a tomboy and be who I am.

But it really created this like. The space that I thought I had to be more manly ’cause I could fit in more body. Mm-Hmm. Body height, like I’m five foot 10. We found out I’m five foot 10. I have a new scale in my office and I thought I had shrunk. I thought I’d shrunk an inch. I was five foot 10 in high school and I’m like, I thought I’d shrunk, whatever.

But apparently when you get healthy and more active and more work on your body, you gain your inch back. So I got my inch back. Nice.

I’m so excited.

So five 10. Nice. I’m gonna own it. Yeah. But like, just like being a taller female and also a bigger female, I felt like I had to do what the guys did all the time.

Yeah. And don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing guy things. I enjoy it. Yeah. It’s fun, whatever. But it’s also like, I thought that’s how I had to fit in and do things that men do and like just be more dominant and whatever. And I am a dominant person, but it’s like. I also wanna be a female. Like, I also wanna feel womanly.

Yeah. Yeah. And there’s only so many curves that make you feel like a woman when you got too many Serves. Right. It, it kind of, it kind of ganzels that out, doesn’t it? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my God. It gets a little, yeah.

It gets a little bit overwhelming and then like, I don’t know about you. Mm-Hmm. But I remember when I hit 300 pounds, actually, was it 300 pounds that it started?

I think it was maybe like two 80 or two 90 is when it started for me. Mm-Hmm. I started getting these weird boils in between my legs. Oh yeah. I had never had anything like, like my parents had talked about it, like ingrown hairs and stuff. Like I’ve had that and like, thought about that. Yeah. But I had, after I had my oldest son.

I, I went and like, my husband was gone for the night with his family and I was home with the baby and I decided, oh, he is asleep. I’m gonna take a warm bath. So I draw myself a warm bath and like, I was just like laying in the bath. I’m like, oh, there’s a lump down there. What is that? Yeah. So I just put some Epsom salts in, you know, like drawing, you know what I mean?

Like drawing out. Yeah. Like that kind of thing. And this thing in 30 minutes of being in the bathtub grew to the size of a softball. And I’m like, oh my gosh. So I call my mom and I’m like, Hey mom, this thing is like, it’s not a boil. Like I, you know, whatever. I thought it was just a boil, whatever. Like it wasn’t painful.

Mm-Hmm. It was just heavy and hot. Yeah. Yeah. Heavy and hot, you know what I’m saying? Yeah. And the size of a softball between my legs, I could barely walk. And so I’m like, I think I need to go get this lanced. And she’s like, I think you do. So I took my baby to the emergency room. And sat there for them to lance this thing with my, you know, my lady bits out and everything out, and it was embarrassing.

I’m like, I’m so sorry. I promise I’m not dirty. Like I just, I kept saying things like that. Right. Yeah. I’m like, I literally just got out the tub. I promise I’m not a dirty person, but also can I watch because I wanted to see much of

course.

But like I was making excuses in the emergency room. Yeah. Because I thought dirty people had boils. Yeah. You know what I’m saying? Mm-Hmm. But that’s so that, that’s, yeah. That’s something that other people don’t typically worry about, or are people that are bedridden yet boils right, don’t they? Is that what they’re called?

Right, right. Yeah. And I’m not bedridden, I’m not lazy. I’m out there running, I’m out there doing things. So going back to this idea that being overweight is your fault. Yeah. Your behaviors and habits may ha, may be part of that. Mm-Hmm. But my question’s always like, what actually caused that? Right. What is actually the root of your weight problems?

Right. What is actually the root of that cyst or boil that I had, which ended up being like this huge hole in my leg that my husband had to keep packing and unpacking. It was disgusting, but it was really cool. Oh, it was so cool. It was cool. It was disgusting, but yes. Oh yeah. After that I was like, something like, I felt that guilt and shame around that boil.

Yeah. Or cyst, whatever. Yeah. So what else do you have? Like what are some other things that, that you have on your notepad that you wrote down? Because Yeah, let me, we’re getting there. We’re getting there kind of deep and Yeah. Yeah. I wanna make sure. So a

lot of things around like obviously like food and going out and things.

And we talked about the gym, but i, I mean this one I think is kind of a fairly common one, but not going to amusement parks or go because you’re not gonna fit on the rights. And I worked at Disney World for like a year, year and a half or so. And I remember going and I, that was, I was at probably one of my all-time, lowest weights at the time because, well, I, well my mom and I called the Disney Diet because I made no money.

And when you worked in the culinary, you get like a meal voucher. Mm-Hmm. And we had like a little cafeteria and you could go to, and the one where I worked at Epcot had a subway and like this meal ticket was like maybe five do, it was enough to get like a six inch sub. So that would be like what I could eat.

Like I’d get that, you know, four or five days a week. And so I lost a lot of weight ’cause I had no money, like couldn’t really go out and whatever. So. And then I worked a lot and you’re sweating it all up, so, yep. Physical. So so it was one of my smallest weights, like it was the last time I remember being in a size-sixteen Jean.

And even then, like some of parts of Disney World are old. I mean, most parts are, but there were like turnstile, the turntable, what are this called? Yeah, yeah. The turn, like turn

things, I think they’re called turnstiles. Turnstiles,

yeah. To walk into certain things. Mm-Hmm. And I’d have to like turn, you know, I’d got stuck in one before, like, so there’s this fear of like, oh my gosh, I’m getting stuck.

And knowing certain rides where there was like a handicap entrance, like there was just a little gate so I could like sneak in that way. Mm-hmm. But like, I remember the time, you know, the boy I was dating, Stanley was coming and I’m like, they’re gonna wanna go on all these rides and everything. And I’m like.

Is this gonna, am I gonna fit on things? Yeah. And even then I was like, you know, a good a hundred pounds lighter at the time. Yep. Now I’m like, definitely no. But like, yeah, like certain, and especially like older amusement parks and Phi, you know, my husband and I have talked about going to like Cedar Point or King’s Island, certain things like that.

And now we have a, you know, we have a little baby, he’s a baby now, but like, as he gets older, it’s like, I wanna go on these rides. I remember going on as a kid and like loving, like I love rollercoasters Yes. So much. And the thrill of it. And, but like, I wanna take him on those things. And I’m like, but am I gonna fit?

Like, ugh. That is one of my biggest fear is, is just fitting right in general. Mm-Hmm. Anywhere you go. And especially like going on an airplane, getting, having to get that extender. I had to do that. And it wasn’t that big of a deal. It really wasn’t like no one like cared or noticed or whatever. But I just remember being so.

Shameful. Yeah. Of that. And like, I don’t fit in an airplane. Yeah. So, or like a seat or something. So I definitely chairs anywhere you go because even that, like, I went on vacation a few years ago, and of course there was, step one was I was going with two other friends. And I’ve never really done like a girlfriend’s trip like that before, but it was like, okay, there’s so many fears coming up.

It’s like, you know, one of my other friends who’s a little bit bigger and I, I, you know, my one friend doesn’t, she does eat like a bird, but I’m like, I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yep. Because if I don’t, then I’m gonna overindulge this other meal. Yes. And I can’t do that ’cause I moved to other people, so I can’t let them show how I really want to eat.

Yep. So, and I’m like, how do I like. Here’s this fear of like, I don’t wanna say I’m hungry. I don’t wanna say, Hey, let’s go here. Like, I, you know, but I don’t wanna get hangry because that’s gonna happen. Yep. So, and even like, so there was fear of that, but then even at the resort we stayed at where we had breakfast every day, the chairs there were so uncomfortable because the arms on them, like, yes, arms on chairs.

Sometimes they’ll work, a lot of times they don’t. And it’s like, you just have to kind of try to just be uncomfortable

and wiggle into them. Wiggle

into them. And hope you don’t get stuck getting up. Yep. Also, this was more when I was pregnant too, but the sweat, the, the a the butt sweat. Yep. When you stand up and the chair that Google will notice, it’s like, oh my gosh.

So much shame. So also had to wear a bathing suit in public, like just a lot of things. Oh. And having to share uber rides, like, am I gonna like the three of us all gonna fit in the back seat? Because it was still like. Somewhat soon after Covid. So there was still some rules about they didn’t want anyone in the front, but I was like, I’ll sit up front, I’ll fit in that seat.

And they were like, no. So, you know, and certain activities we wanted to do. So it just, yeah, it’s, there’s a lot.

And I think that we, so like we can sit in that shame and fear and things, but I think that there’s this piece of, that we have locked our voice down. Mm-Hmm. We don’t speak up. So those of us that struggle with food thank God, like food addiction is no longer my thing anymore.

Mm-Hmm. We have another addiction. It’s called work. Yeah. That’s, that’s another problem in and of itself. We’re working on it. Right. We’re always a work in progress. Mm-Hmm. But the thing is, is that with food addiction, most people that struggle with food addiction, they are eating to silence themselves.

Because they have been told that their voice is not worth it or that their opinions are no, not not acceptable or don’t wanna be heard, or their pain that they’re speaking up about or need to speak up about. It’s not safe to talk about our pain. Mm-Hmm. And there are some other things. There are some other pieces like where we’ve learned that food is love.

Like, for example, with my dad, he grew up so poor. When I say poor, I mean literally whatever he hunted, trapped fish. He and his brothers, whatever his sisters in the family grew in the, in the on the farm. Sometimes they roadkill when I say that they were poor, they were poor. And I still laugh because my son, my oldest son still can’t believe that my dad had an outhouse.

Like he didn’t have indoor plumbing. And I’m like, that’s funny. Anyway, he would tell my, he would tell, or he kept telling my oldest, he is like, yeah. And when Sears had the catalogs, that’s when everybody was so excited to go outside because you could use the Sears catalog pages and you had pages for days and it wouldn’t hurt you.

And I’m like, oh my gosh, dad. Oh gosh. Okay. So, but like he grew up so dirt poor that he never wanted us, which is our family thing. Like we do this as a, as parents, we don’t want our kids to experience what we’ve experienced. Right. Like all the hardships. We wanna offer them a better life. And so I don’t fault him by any means, but when my first word was pancake, Mm-Hmm.

We got a problem because I was roly poly, like a pancake, like I was eating. I was fed. I’m not saying I wasn’t easy, I was an easy baby. I wasn’t, I had a call, I, I was colicky, whatever. Maybe that’s why I’m so loud now. But my first word was, or one of my first words was pancake. And apparently I would get up and shake the crib and say, daddy pancake, daddy pancake.

And because that’s, to me, I was taught that food means love. Mm-Hmm. That having food on my table meant that I was loved. Well, and then in order to show that other person that made the food for you love back, you ate everything on the plate. Mm-Hmm. And so then I was the queen of Queen of Clean Plate Club.

Clean plate club, even on second thirds. Fourths. And I’ll never forget the time too, when. I told my mom, and this is now knowing what I know now, it was high fructose corn syrup addiction. I told my mom, we went to Arby’s one time, which that was a treat. We didn’t eat out fast food as a kid very much ’cause it was too expensive and we always just ate whatever was at home.

Right. Mm-Hmm. And one time we went to Arby’s and I got a, whatever the regular roast beef and I told mom, I’m still hungry. I could have had another sandwich. And she’s like, well then you should have told me I would’ve bought you one. So it’s like, mm-Hmm. I know that she meant well with that. But then that started easing me into overindulging because I do, I did not at that point.

I think it was third grade probably. I knew like I was never full. Yeah. I never experienced or fullness Was when your pants were too tight after eating. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Eating till it hurts. Yes. Eating till it hurts. And then you like are burping up the food you’ve eaten because there’s literally no room for it.

Yeah. And then I think about like when I was in fourth grade, I was always having to wear sweats. I wore the sweats that, remember when Wal-Mart came out with sweats and we like, again, Wal-Mart was new to us ’cause we didn’t have Walmart near us. We had to drive, but we, Wal-Mart would have these matching sweatsuits and that’s only more in fourth grade because that’s all that would fit.

And it was all that was, yeah, comfortable and reasonable because I was in that prepubescent period, like where you’re awkwardly growing and Yeah, all of that. So I didn’t quite fit into pretty Plus clothes anymore. And I didn’t quite fit into women’s size clothes at that time. Yes. So it was like that weird whatever.

And then I’m just like, I remember as well, like just, again, this is things that we take on. Our coping like Right. We learned how to cope and to deal with things. And again, I’m not saying it’s anybody’s fault, but I also learned that I couldn’t speak up about things without getting ridiculed. Yeah. And it was about that time that I learned that I was gonna be made fun of, I was gonna be ridiculed for having an opinion that was different than other peoples.

And it was mostly my family, if I can be honest. Yeah. I don’t ever, ever remember being made fun of by anybody else, ever. Oh wait, Joe Weaver, Joe Weaver made fun of me for saying squat car instead of squad car. Oh gosh. But that’s it. Like, that’s it. Yeah. Yeah. And so I was never made fun of, but the insecurities of my dad’s food, insecurity of my dad, and then the insecurities that my mom carried, she put them on me.

And so I knew that I had to be secretive. I knew that I had to like hide things. Mm-Hmm. And so I never really hid my eating, but like it was just everywhere. It was food everywhere. And I think the only thing that really saved me during middle school and high school was sports. Yeah. Because if I wasn’t having to run and do things, I would’ve been probably 400, 500 pounds.

Like no track. Yeah.

Right. And I think, I mean, I really didn’t participate in sports in middle school, but in high school, the Gullmire girls for some reason were like, oh, do track the throwers. They don’t run. And I was like, okay, sure, I’ll sure why not. Yeah. My, my sophomore year and I did my freshman year, and of course, what did we do?

Day one we’re running, we ran Cinder Hill. And I was like, you liars. But I’m so thankful that I did. I was a terrible throw by the way. I boy was not good at it. Not good at all, but. I’m so thankful that I, they did get me to do that because yeah, it at least got me moving. Yes. And at least got me doing some, ’cause I, you know, my sophomore year, I didn’t start as early, but my junior year I started earlier with the, with the winter, like pre-training and stuff.

That was my, probably, other than when I worked at Disney, but like my lowest weight and like my most fit my senior year I was not going to do it because I was like, I’m terrible at this. I’m not good. I wanna do the spring play. And then that got canceled. So I joined late boy, I was so sore. And the next day that was awful.

’cause I did nothing to prepare for it. Yeah. So but yeah, like I, I, I at least thankfully had that to keep some of the weight at bay. Yeah. Yeah. And you, I think.

Oh, go ahead. Oh, I was just gonna say, and like people will chalk up our youth to the metabolism that we have. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. Not when you’re banking on them calories that we were in taking.

Yeah. No. Right, right. I can’t even imagine. Ugh, no. Like how many calories I wasn’t taking, like, I, ugh, thank, I didn’t really count them so much. Yes. But I think something that you said is, goes back a lot too to the huge, a huge impact I think on people with. Disorders is food insecurity. Mm-Hmm.

Because, you know, I also grew up not mean my parents didn’t have money, you know, either. Like we live in a small rural community. Like no one really was like really rolling in it, but like, we definitely were not. Now I will say, and I never, we never went without, right. But one of the things that I think, you know, maybe we didn’t have the nicest car or we couldn’t go on trips or whatever, but it’s one thing that your, your parents can provide is food.

Yes. And, you know, junk food is always there for you. I mean, like and it’s usually pretty inexpensive and processed foods.

No, you’re okay. My, my kids are trying to FaceTime me and this is not going well. Oh gosh. I don’t know how to make her stop.

Okay. I am texting her now. Mom. My, she, I call her mom affectionately. My daughter is trying to check in on me.

Okay. Hopefully that works. Sorry mom duties.

Right? They

never stop. Yes. No. So anyway, you were saying food insecurity and the one thing that they could provide was food.

Right. And, and not that I don’t, I mean, we didn’t buy like it, like I remember we never got like fun cereal. Like my mom would get kicks or Yeah.

She really wouldn’t buy every now and then on occasion. But we always, always had chips in the house. Yeah. We almost always had like pop of some kind. We, you know, always. There was always snack stuff kind of around. Yes. Right. But I don’t know if you’ve heard of the thing. People were like, I was an ingredient household.

I was an ingredient house. So maybe there weren’t a lot of pre-packaged snacks. So like, some of the things that we would like concoct because it was like, you know, a snack was, I, you know, like people, I, I thought this was a common thing, but we would have tortilla chips sometimes. Mm-Hmm. And you’d take just cheese and melt it over that, like nachos,

you know, that’s nachos.

Oh, we did that with Doritos. My dad, we call ’em cheese chips. We did it with Doritos. Yeah, I would do it

on Right. Any kind of chip, I’d melt cheese on anything. But what else? Oh, there were like, you would just eat chocolate chips as a snack. I still do that.

They’re on my, they’re on top of my refrigerator

actually.

Yes. I’m like, I still do that. Wait a minute. Or like, so you maybe wouldn’t have like a lot of the, like, I, we’ve never had like gushers or. Here we go. Nineties references for everyone. Yeah. By the foot. Dunkaroos, Dunka.

Those things didn’t necessarily sit in our house. No. But we had things to make snacks, like you could cook something. So we like cookie dough

a lot. I see. I didn’t even get that. ’cause that was expensive and that was special. Like that probably came from a swan Man. It was Swan man. Yeah. That was so special.

You couldn’t always afford that. But we would have, so dad would go to the cheese house and we would always have cheese. Okay. Now here I’m going to totally out myself. Ingredient household. You ready? Yeah. I didn’t know that’s what it was called, but I would have Colby jack cheese. Mm-Hmm. Or Cheddar cheese.

Like fresh. You know, obviously it was good looking back. It was really good quality ingredients, right? Yeah. But I then, then would dip it. I would cut up chunks of it, right. And dip it in Miracle Whip. That was my snack. That was one of my favorite snack. That’s your ingredient

house can, yeah.

Yes. That was one of my favorite snacks.

And I’m like, and like I look back on it and I’m like, okay, so some of this stuff wasn’t terrible. Yeah. But it led, it led to me overeating. Yeah. Because I, I, I felt something I wanted to eat, whether it was good or bad, I wanted to eat. We were a generation that we celebrated with food. Yeah. Like everything you got a’s, let’s go get food.

You did well at your game. Go, go, go get food. Like it was always, I mean, we were book it kids, right. We were book it kids, you read your books, you went and got your personal pan pizza, like Right. Right. We were treated like, like dogs, which again, it was cultural. It was fine. Like whatever. Mm-Hmm. For those of us that struggled with our weight and with food addiction.

Mm-hmm. It was definitely something that led into all of that. And then for me, like as time went on and we were in school more and things like that, like our ingredient household, like started switching and moving back to, or not moving back, but moving into the space of, we had all the little Debbie things on the, on the counter.

We had all the crackers, all the, you know, just very highly processed things available because it was cheaper to feed us that way after school than it was to start to include the ingredients at that point. Yeah. And so, because we were eating more as we got older and grew and things like that. And I noticed like over time I was eating like, I kid you not, probably four.

Are the Swiss cake roll Swiss cake rolls? Oh yeah. I was probably eating four packets of those every night after school. Yeah. And then I would go on these crazy dieting things where I would eat just celery and whatever and say, no, mom, I’m not hungry. And then so I’d starve myself and then I’d overeat the next day or right.

Like it was just, but I also look at it through the lens of my dad had his first heart attack when I was 11 years old. And so like, he was diabetic and like, so there was all of this other like, pressure of dieting. There was always dieting going on. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. And I just, I don’t know. I feel like, I feel like there’s this piece of me that’s like, if I had it to do all over again, would I do the same thing?

I probably would. Yeah. I wouldn’t know any different, but where I’m at now is that it’s like with my own kids, they have to ask permission before they get snacks. Mm-Hmm. And if, and, and if they’re getting a snack, I’m like, okay, cool. You need to have something with protein. Yeah. Well, if you’re, if you’re not hungry for protein, then you’re actually not hungry.

I wish someone had said that to me. Yeah. I wish someone had said, what are you actually feeling right now? Yeah. I wish there had been a space, but in the nineties we shoved everything under the rug. Yeah. Everything. Nineties and early two thousands, we shoved everything under the rug. Mm-Hmm. Nothing was allowed to be talked about.

Even at school. It wasn’t, I’m not even talking about in our homes, I’m talking about even at school. Yeah. So Johnny got in trouble and nobody talked about it, you know? Right. Mm-Hmm. I don’t know. I don’t know how we got here. Oh, I know what I wanted to say real quick. And you said ingredient, households and food was what they could provide.

The Rose, there’s a Roseanne episode that I never felt more like seen, which I always say that I’m a cross between Roseanne and Mrs. Camden from seventh Heaven. Like that’s how I kind of, oh yeah. I’m like, I’m like a cross between those two moms. But Roseanne said something about, oh, it was like one of the dieting episodes, and she was like, but food we can provide or we can afford food.

And it was something about how well food’s not, food’s not food’s not a, a thing to, I don’t know, like brag about or whatever. Or food’s not a, food’s not a luxury. It’s a need. And I’m like, Mm-Hmm. Oh, oh mm-Hmm. Food is a luxury. Like I was taught food was a luxury. Mm-Hmm. Yeah. And that’s how you treated people and that’s how you told them that you loved them and cared for them and all of that stuff.

So anyway. Yeah. And

we had these indulgent, heavy. Like all these things ’cause they make you feel good and warm, whatever. Yes. Instead of like what we maybe needed. Yeah. Which was just some protein

and some car. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it’s like, I don’t know, I feel like some of these fears that we have as heavier women is just all of that conflicting advice, conflicting, overwhelm, conflicting thoughts.

And truly I think it’s a lack of, a lack of knowing how to share our voice in a safe space. Yeah. And be accepted for who we are. Mm-Hmm. Learning that we don’t have to self-medicate. ’cause that’s what food is, right? Food is, food is no better than alcohol addiction or sex addiction or. Cocaine addiction.

Literally, if someone has trouble with food, they’re gonna have trouble with one of those other items as well, because usually you progress to the next one if it’s left unchecked. And so, like for me, that was a wake up call because I struggled with a lot of things up in that, in that category. The only thing I stayed away from was drugs.

And thank God I stayed away from drugs because I think I intuitively knew that if I got a hold of, I’m such an addictive personality, I would’ve been dead. Yeah. Like, I think I would’ve and like I overindulged in alcohol, like I could, I could drink my, my husband under the table and he had an issue with it.

Like, yeah, yeah. I could drink him under the table. I probably, well he doesn’t drink anymore, but I’m like, oh, I probably still could, but he doesn’t drink anymore. But I think that that’s, that’s interesting that we overindulge in everything. Yeah. Shopping, gambling is not my thing. Shopping work. Like, you give me anything, I’m gonna overdo it.

Yeah. I don’t care what it’s, yeah. So, and I’m even gonna over research things before I buy it. Yeah. Isn’t that

stupid? No. It’s like, it’s, yeah. It all kind of stems back to the same thing, the deeper issues.

Mm-Hmm. The deeper issues. Mm-Hmm. Did you have anything else on your list that we needed to go over?

I think that, I mean, it’s kind of always an forever, like, ongoing list, I think too.

Yes. It’s so I like, as I think of things like, I definitely keep adding to it because it’s like the things that, you know, it’s just that things that come up because I have to think about it, but I’m like, oh, I straight size person never has to worry about this. Yep. Like, spitting down the aisle of a movie, like if you got tickets to a show or something.

Are we sitting smack dab in the middle and I’m gonna have to try to climb over all these people? Or are we on the end? Oh, thank goodness.

So, yeah. Yeah. That’s a real thing. Yeah. And that whole idea of just being able to fit. Like to fit. Yeah. The question for you. Yes. How has it been transformative for you to work with a practitioner who gets

it?

It has been huge because right out of the gate, the fear that we kind of already have. Like all, all these fears I’ve kind of talked about is kind of gone. So you’re already immediately able to just open up and be vulnerable and like someone who understands. Like I don’t have to explain. Like if I said this again to a straight person, I’m like, oh, I have this fear of going to the doctor’s office and think in a chair.

I think someone would look at me confused because they don’t experience that. Yeah. They never experience that and they don’t, these kinds of things, they don’t fear and they would, so they don’t know how to, I think then deal with it or deal with the root of it. Yeah. So working with you, you know, is so much, that whole fear piece is already gone and my guards already down, so it’s like, okay, we can kind of just get straight to the point.

Yeah. And get to healing instead of. Yeah,

that’s interesting that you said that. ’cause there I have a gentleman that I see in, in person and he said, I, he was talking about something and because, you know, working with me, I, I’m gonna let you have pizza. I’m really, I’m not gonna mess with you having like fun foods too.

Right. But he was talking about, and I’m like, oh yeah, go get you some, whatever it was. Mm-Hmm. And he is like, you know what, this is why my wife and I really appreciate working with you because you’re, you’re the real deal. You’re not like this skinny mini hippie dippy person that has no idea what it feels like to be us and to like, they’re always eating like weird.

I, I always, I don’t know, this is probably really judgmental, so please pardon me for just one moment while I go off on this tangent. They probably don’t shave their pits. They probably don’t have they’re probably eating hemp seeds and, and and soybeans and whatever. And they’re not eating like real food.

They’re not like the real person. And they don’t, they live a life that’s very, and I’m not saying we shouldn’t do this, don’t get me wrong, that we should have a quiet life. But in reality, we have a real life and we wanna go live it. Mm-Hmm. We wanna go and see concerts, we wanna go and like, he wanted to go jump out of a dang airplane, by all means.

I’m not gonna jump out of a perfectly good airplane. But that was his goal, was to lose enough weight to get on the airplane and jump out and be safe on the little, you know, the insurance waiver Yeah. Thing. And like, that’s crazy, man. But like. To be a real practitioner who gets it and is not just sitting here showing before and afters of her pre, before pregnancy and after pregnancy and Yeah.

You know, like all those weird things. I’m like, honey, I was like born. Oh, I wasn’t born big. I was soon big after birth. Like, yeah, it’s been a whole life thing. Mm-Hmm. And I think that we forget that, that there is no such thing as perfection. Mm-Hmm. That’s only found in Jesus Christ. And this piece of being understood is so pivotal.

Mm-Hmm. Understanding the journey is so pivotal when it comes to working with a professional because it’s, it’s like I, I was seeing a nutrition coach for myself. This person was not a parent has no idea what it’s like to be a parent. Has no idea what it’s like to, for me, you know, my husband was active duty at the time, what it’s like to be an active duty military wife, let alone a parent.

And having to do all of that, didn’t understand any of that. All that the person cared about was my food and what was on the scale every week. Did it work? Yeah, absolutely it did. Mm-Hmm. But there was so much going on underneath that needed to be addressed that I felt like I had to hide and be perfect with him.

And it really limited me. And I feel like when I’m working with you, working with other clients that I really stress not being perfect. Yes.

Yeah. That’s a huge, because I think. You know, I hate, for lack of better word, like using the word normal or not normal kind of thing. Yeah. But like, you know, you’re a normal person, not like this.

I, you know, you have done the work and have lived that life that most of us have, like struggled with the same kinds of things that most of us have, versus someone who maybe never has struggled with that and has always been into fitness and exercise and all these things. It’s like, so having someone who can relate is huge, but also someone who.

Immediately you, you don’t, just don’t feel the judgment. And again, not that maybe it’s in our heads a lot, I think too that, oh, this person must perceive me as this way. Or like when I do mess up, because we’re gonna mess up. Mm-Hmm. We’re gonna go off the rails. I’m gonna go to that Taco bell, drive through here and again, and like get everything off it, ’cause this, that and the other.

And instead of immediately like the shame, ’cause I’ve, I’ve been to like other places and, and then just quit because it’s like there’s too much shame. Yeah. Because it’s like I mess up. I remember going like, this was at the doctor’s office, like the bariatric doctor’s office. I wasn’t gonna have surgery, but you know, my doctor was like, if you’re serious about this or whatever, let’s get you in the program.

And they gave me meal replacement shakes, like some fast, quickly, which I hated. And I just remember a nurse once I came in, I got, did my way in. And because they don’t give you the right tools that you need of the mental part of it. Mm-Hmm. Because that’s the root. It’s not just, I mean, I can sit here and eat healthy, good food.

Mm-Hmm. All day, every day. But if I don’t deal with the mental, it’s never, this sort is never gonna go away. But I remember I had gained some weight ’cause I Falling off the rails, didn’t have the real support that I needed. And I felt so much judgment from that nurse. Yeah. And she was just like, you gained weight.

And I, I remember feeling so much shame. Yeah. And then I was like, I cancelled more of my next appointments. I stopped going. Yep. That doctor moves. And I just didn’t go back. Because I was like, well, I’m out gained all my weight back that I lost. Plus some as usual. And it’s like, that’s the thing, it’s like I’m surrounded by all these skinny mini people or people who had just had gastric, which to me like yes, there’s a time and a place for that.

But like I didn’t want that because I’m like, that’s a cop-out ’cause I’m just gonna get Right. So many gastric patients get right back to, because again, they’re missing the important pieces. It’s the mental part. Yes. And the food of what’s going on and why we have this disorder. So that’s why I’ve pushed it off like for so many, so much, so many times.

I think again, time and a place for, I think for sure, but just for me, I was always like, I know I can get where I need to with the right

help. Well, and that’s what you like what you just said, like I. You wanted the help you reached out, you had to be vulnerable and say, okay, I need help. I’m going to go get it.

So you think about going directly to a bariatric doctor because of course that’s what they specialize in. Of course, they’re gonna know how to help take care of me. Insurance covers it. That’s awesome. And then you get there and you’re like, oh, this is like a glorified dieting program or an MLM program with the shakes and all of that.

It’s just glorified and and covered under insurance. And we think that that’s like going to help us. And then we go back. So we have been, first of all, we’ve admitted we needed help. So we go where we think we need to go get help. And then when we get there, we realize that we’re not actually seen, known, heard, cared for, we’re judged, ridiculed, and all of those things because we should be able to lose this weight.

Or you didn’t follow the plan or. You should have been you should have had more willpower or you, you’re better than that. All of that kind of stuff. And what they didn’t take into account was, what the heck happened this week? Mm-Hmm, yeah. Where can we fix this? Where can we go And like, hit the cycles.

Because I remember the first time that you and I working together that we found one of your cycles and we broke it. And I remember, and it was, I cried. I cried because I’m like, holy crap, we did it. Mm-Hmm. Holy crap. And I don’t think to this day that you’ve had any binges like you did before working with me since we’ve been together.

No, no. Not like, nothing like the ongoing onslaught of it. And to be fair too, like I know I struggled for a while, kind of right before I got pregnant, hitting kind of a plateau of like not losing weight, but. I maintained the weight loss that I had for over a year. Yes. Then got pregnant. And so I feel like my weight gain, he was a big baby, so I feel like my weight gain was like on par with where I should have been.

Yep. It wasn’t like this crazy number. Yep. And I am, you know, I am not any bigger than I was before. I was, well, right before I was pregnant, but like, I’m not at my highest weight. No, you’re not. And like, you know, postpartum does a lot to a person. But even now, like I, you know, where I haven’t been like as Practice in deep with you, I’ve still maintained the same weight Yes.

From postpartum. So within like two-pound, you know, like goes up, comes up, whatever. So that is something like my GP, who I love had to remind me too. And you did too. It was like, that’s part right there. So much part of that journey and so hard to do. So many people don’t. And that’s something I invade.

You know, when I was struggling with fertility right before we got pregnant, there’s that whole fear too. Mm-Hmm. Talking about my weight. Here we go again. Yep. And the doctor gave me cry and he immediately was like, well, he wanted to recommend me to bait bariatric. And he was like, well, something about having a success.

And I’m like, but I have been successful and this is the only time I’d been successful in losing weight and maintaining it because I had all the pieces that I needed. So that ran outta the gate, I was like, no, I’m not going back there. And I said, I, because I had told him, I went once, I lost about, I don’t know, 20, 30 pounds or something, and, but it all came back a putt and plus and tenfold.

He was just like, you know, trying to get me to go back and wanted me to be successful. And I’m like, this is the most success I’ve ever had. Do you not hear like I had lost like 40 pounds and kept it off? Yeah. For this much amount of time. I’ve never ever been able to do that.

And I think that that goes to another fear that we have that we haven’t talked.

I mean, I guess we kind of talked around it, but we haven’t named it going to the doctor. Oh yeah. Going to the doctor is a huge fear. And can we just talk about, like look at the sunset. Isn’t that beautiful?

That’s beautiful. Yeah.

All the colors I love. I know. And I don’t even have my light on in the office.

I probably am going to need to turn the light on. Yeah. But it, there’s a fear of going to the doctor when we’re overweight. Yes. Or obese because we’re scared of what they’re gonna say. ’cause we already know what they’re gonna say. But then also, how many preventative diseases could have been prevented if we had gone to the doctor before or what have you.

But we’re scared to go to doctors because we already know what they’re gonna say, and they’re gonna put us on a diet. They’re gonna tell us to get to bariatric. They’re gonna tell us all of this and tell us all the, the scary details of what might happen. Mm-Hmm. And they’re not gonna understand. Yeah. And that’s something that I wanna stand out so differently in my practice is that yes, I’m a naturopathic doctor now.

I’m not a nutrition coach anymore, but I still use nutrition coaching. I still use nutritional therapy, but I’m also sitting here doing preventative care work because I wanna be that space like that all in one space for people to understand, oh my gosh. To understand. That they are not alone and that I get it.

And that they are not a failure. They’re not a loser. They’re not, they’re not. They should not be shameful. We need to bring that shame into the light and instead take action on things that actually matter and stop the shakes, stop all of this other crap that doesn’t work. The shakes work because you’re not, you’re an a caloric deficit.

Of course you’re gonna lose weight. Yeah. We’re not gonna eat shakes. Come on. Yeah. We are meant to chew. We are meant to eat the burger. We are meant to eat the fries. We’re meant to eat the pizza. We can, we just need to learn how to break free from all of that mindset work and so forth. So yeah. With that said, any wrap up thoughts you have Carol for this episode.

Just thank you for letting me be a part of this and sharing my fears and thoughts and kind of, I’m hoping that someone else can also relate. I, I think though, because again, these are. Kind of things that I’ve always had to think about. And so I’m hoping someone else can relate and be like, me too. I didn’t think of that kind of thing.

Yep. ’cause that always just makes me feel so much more like normal quote-unquote, you know, like, oh, I’m not the only one that feels that way or has had that fear kind of thing. So and just thank you for allowing me to work with you and this has been such a huge, huge step in my health journey and like you’ve just been there for every step of it and it’s been just so good taking charge of my health and prioritizing it

this, well, first of all.

Letting, letting you work with me. No, it’s not that it’s a vi, it’s actually the opposite of you letting me walk alongside you and you sharing vulnerable things with me. Being honest, maybe for the first time when we first started working together, being very honest with yourself and with me. And that’s the only rule there is when you’re working with me, just be honest.

I don’t like liars. I’m not gonna be with liars. Ask my kids. They lie to me once and they’re, they’re not happy. My youngest had to learn that the hard way. ’cause he just continued to keep lying. I’m like, dude, it’s more shameful to lie than to not, I’m like, anyway, so my kids tell me the truth and I don’t care.

Like I have to brace myself for just how truthful they are. Sometimes I’m like, okay, I turn my back and I’m just like, okay, here we go. Anyway. The only rule to work with me is you have to be honest with yourself and honest with me and that’s it. And the fact that that takes vulnerability. That takes you trusting in me that I’m not going to come back and judge you or hurt you or anything else like anybody else has in the past.

It’s an honor. It is. So, it is truly an honor to get to do what I do. And you’re right. I hope that someone listens to this and is like, oh my gosh, I’m not alone. Yeah. Oh my gosh. These two gals get it. Yeah. Oh my gosh. My belly claps and maybe I’m gonna turn the music up next time. Yeah. Or maybe, maybe I am going to the movie theater and maybe I’m going to try to sit in the middle seat in the middle of the row and just take up the space.

Or maybe a gal is gonna order a burger and fries when she goes out with her friends. Yeah. I hope that those of you listening choose to take up space because you get to, we’re not on this, on this earth to live life small. If you have extra weight on your body, welcome to the Western culture. But also if you have extra weight on the body, it’s not about dieting.

It’s not about finding the right diet. It’s not about finding the next best workout. It’s not about finding the next best thing. It’s about finding the root and addressing the root of what is actually putting that weight on you and what’s kept it on you. And maybe twenty-twenty-four is the year for you to not die anymore, and maybe it’s your year to set free all of that baggage that you’re carrying.

So all that said, I’m going to close out and let everybody’s ears rest from my voice. But thank you so much Carol, for joining me. I cannot believe that we get to do this. I cannot believe two small-town girls meet up when we leave the small town and we get to work together and do things together and just really build that deeper community.

So thank you so much for being here. Thank you so

much. This was so much fun and I’d love to come back. This

is great. Okay. We will have a part two. Yes. Awesome. All right. So thank you Carol. I hope you have a fantastic rest of your week. Those of you listening and I will be in your ears next week.

Thanks for listening to The Crying in my Cheesecake podcast. I hope it encourage you to make a next best step for your health. Take a look at the show notes for more information or other links I mentioned in the episode. And if you got to this point in the episode, come find me on Instagram and send me a DM.

Tell me that you listened to this episode and what you got out of it. And something extra I’m asking for is if you would please rate and review this podcast so others can get more or more people like us can actually find this episode. It is one free way that you can support this support getting the word out there for people that need to hear these words.

Have a good one.

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hey, i’m Danielle

I love Jesus. I love my family. And I get joy from having a front row view of people growing toward their goals because of what I’ve taught.

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