What do you struggle with? Is it a lot of things or can it be summed up by a few things? What do we do with our struggle? I’m not sure about you, but sometimes I tend to allow my struggle to completely blind me from logic and/or truth.
It becomes my focus. I see the problem in every task I face each day. Tending to my kids’ needs, house chores, television shows, scrolling through social media–yes it’s there, on continuous loop, my struggle in my face at all times.
Lately that struggle has been to conceive another child. Every single day it seems someone on my feed is posting that carefully thought out announcement photo. Or there’s that proud mommy of a new baby that posts her pics of her baby for her family and friends to see. While I do those things, too, it makes me sad. It’s a constant reminder of what I don’t have.
Then there are the doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds that show my body isn’t cooperating with the process to even conceive, even with fertility medicines, attempted differently each month. The look of sadness on the doctor’s face shows a sense of loss as to why I’m not conceiving. After all, a sixty pound weight loss and perfect blood work showing my health is better than it has been in a long time should mean I can conceive.
Appointment after disappointing appointment can kill a gal’s mood to even want to conceive again. Because the struggle is real. The control is gone. I cannot control my body. I cannot control creation. But I don’t think these things. No my mind goes to focused on the disappointment and then I become discouraged.
I get so focused on the disappointment that it becomes tunnel vision. I see myself as a failure. I compare myself to other women. I compare myself to the times of my two previously successful pregnancies and the two unsuccessful pregnancies. I work myself up to being scared, doubtful, and distanced from the situation–to the point I have been asked if I even want to be pregnant.
**Slap in the face that clearly I’ve let this disappointment block our desire that I know God put in our hearts.**
The discouragement comes in because I want to succeed in everything that I do. I am one of those that gets nearly angry when playing a board game with my husband and don’t win. I get upset when I cannot master something and will hone in on it until I can master it. Honestly, it becomes an obsession. Discouragement fuels my obsession and makes me want to overcome on my own.
Conception doesn’t happen because I say it so. I am not the Creator. I’ve also learned that just because I do conceive, doesn’t mean that life will sustain and bring forth a successful birth. Nothing about having children is easy for me. Not just because of the medical intervention, but because I have to let go of control. Meaning if I let the disappointment and discouragement linger, then I’ve gone the obsessive route affecting my ability to see logic and truth. And I’ve got to let go of control.
I know people say, “Once you relax it will just happen.” What those people don’t really know is that most fertility specialists say that’s a falsehood. There is nothing to prove that relaxing causes a woman to conceive. Relaxing and waiting also pushes her further and further into her child bearing years possibly causing more problems.
Yesterday, I met with God first thing in the morning (those of you that know me, know I don’t get up until my children wake me up!) and prayed before my appointment. I prayed my heart would be still and my spirit would be still. I’ve asked my prayer warriors to cover my heart in prayer. After another disappointing appointment yesterday, getting ready for a different course that may seem intimidating and scary, I’m content.
You see, nothing important in my life has been easy. I don’t mean school, studying, and well just about everything else, because everything like that comes easy to me. It’s something I can do on my own. No, the important stuff hasn’t come easy.
My husband and I had to fight to stay together and get married.
Together we had to fight the darkness that loomed over our first miscarriage.
Together we fought for the conception of Dietrich and his crazy-scary pregnancy/early delivery. Together we fought for the first year of being a family after being just the two of us for the first 5 years of our marriage.
Together we fought for our third pregnancy.
Together we fought for our fourth pregnancy and protected each other from the darkness that loomed after that one ended in miscarriage.
What’s different now? Together we are fighting for a fifth pregnancy. Together.
And you know what? After being reminded of this, I am excited again. I’m excited to tackle the challenges that lie ahead of us. I’m fired up to do what it takes. I’m no longer discouraged. Because everything I’ve fought for, is the love that is in front of me. Because everything I’ve fought for, is why I have a story.
And I’m grateful I get to fight.
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