The love that radiates from having children is wondrous. Creation brings about pure joy.
When God created, He said that it was good. Each and every thing He created was good.
My husband and I struggle to conceive children–naturally and via the adoption route. You see our hearts have always been softened to adoption and we planned to start our family through adoption. We tried to house one of the Ukrainian orphans that our church brought over to hopefully find permanent homes.
But I was too young.
We decided to go through DCS and Foster to Adopt. So my husband and I registered and attended all the classes for that. We finished, passed the tests, and waited.
But our papers were lost–as if we had never attended those classes.
We decide to finally try the natural family route and conceive.
But we had a miscarriage.
After a year of fertility issues, all I could do was cry out to God. I prayed for healing. I prayed because nothing was going as I planned. My heart desired a baby of my own so bad I could taste it. It consumed all of me.
But I heard God whispering to me, do you TRUST Me.
Yes, Lord. I trust you. I have nothing more to give, offer, I’m spent. My soul is aching to know You more and if I’m able to conceive a child in that time, then so be it.
I conceived with the help of doctors and medicine in December 2009. We were so elated to have a viable pregnancy and yet we didn’t know what lie ahead. Remember God’s whispering “Do you trust me?” My response was “yes Lord.”
But we don’t see all four chambers of his heart.
Oh it’s a BOY! A precious boy! I’m so in love with him I’m not scared. Wait, there’s something wrong with him? I don’t care, I Trust you, Lord. He is YOUR child, not mine. He’s a precious gift regardless.
But he doesn’t have much amniotic fluid, risks are high.
I get to see my beautiful boy each and every Friday. He’s the most precious thing swimming in that fluid. I meet the most precious doctors and nurses and ultrasound techs. My husband and I had the most amazing Friday dates to celebrate seeing our baby at Ruby Tuesday’s.
But you’re gestationally diabetic.
No fluid and gestational diabetes is a call for disaster. Nothing is happy. I’m angry. I can’t find anything to eat that doesn’t cause my sugars to rise.
But you have preeclampsia.
A hospital stay before proved I was fine. Just two weeks later at 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant, my liver and kidneys were shutting down. Time for induction. Discussions of c-sections. I trust you Lord. They wheel me to the hospital because I’m not allowed to walk. I trust you Lord.
But he has a pneumothorax in his right lung and isn’t breathing right.
Dietrich ended up in the NICU for 13 days. Not bad for how early he was. His biggest struggle was eating on his own. The struggles to get pregnant, the struggles during pregnancy, the early delivery and NICU stay–I’d do it all over again even knowing what I know now. It wasn’t about me. It was about allowing God to do things IN me. I’m not in control of creation. God is.
Because I had to be broken, incomplete, and search God for my desire, I had the right frame of mind my whole pregnancy. I’m not saying I wasn’t one of those crazed-hormone women, because that I was.
What I wasn’t though, was scared. I surrounded myself in prayer warriors and I prayed myself. Learned to trust God in a way I had never been before.
You see God is the creator of everything. In the pregnancy with my miscarriage I learned something about myself. I must be broken for God. He is the only one that can fulfill my heart’s desires.
I learned with my second pregnancy, creating my son Dietrich that God wants me to trust Him. In that trust He can shield all the scary from me. He can come through when no one else can. When it is a desire He places on our hearts, He will see it through.
How far will you take it before you surrender and trust God to fulfill your heart’s desire?