Break All-or-Nothing Mentality & Overcome the Self-Harm that Comes in the Form of Isolation

Join Danielle as she takes you behind the scenes of her Wilderness of Wellness community’s group teaching session. You’ll get to experience how Danielle teaches inside this community alongside other like-minded ladies. You will quickly find that Danielle sees you, knows you, and understands your plight with health and wellness- it’s not rooted in not doing enough, being perfect enough, or finding the right diet. It usually settles in addressing the mindset. And that is part of Phase 1 of The Wilderness of Wellness success path. She dives into guilt, shame, connection, loneliness, isolation, pulling away that actually causes us to self-harm.

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Transcription

Welcome to the crying in my cheesecake podcast, where we are in pursuit of living life abundantly, not held back by our body size or symptoms, nor are we held back by our hurts, habits, or other obstacles in life. Learn the secrets to crush it in your health, wellness, relationships, and spiritual life. I am Danielle, your host and practitioner.

And in this episode, I am offering you an insight of what it’s like inside the wilderness of wellness. Every single month, my members have a. group call with me and they get to be taught a specific concept or a tool or something that will help further them in their health and wellness journey. It may be a diet thing, a mindset thing, it may be a habit thing, it may be something just completely off the wall and I’m not off the wall, it may be something that I’m noticing that there’s a trend or a thread going throughout the the discussions inside the membership.

And so I want to address those things. I want to teach to those things and make sure that they have all of the tools and resources they need in order to be successful in their membership. health journey and inside this community. So I am actually going to share with you February’s well visit. Some of those, that’s what we call them, the group with me, the well visit.

And so I’m going to share the teaching portion of this with you. I will cut out anything that was personally shared or so forth. And at the end, they are offered my community is offered an opportunity to ask me questions and get real live support, whether it’s coaching, whether it’s, you know, nutrition advice, whether it’s, you know, new nutritional therapy or naturopathic advice, they can get support from me in that call.

Sometimes these calls last an hour. Sometimes, They have lasted two hours and some change just because there was so much engagement and people didn’t want to leave and they wanted to keep going further. So without further ado, welcome into the Wilderness of Wellness Well Visit for February of 2024.

Let’s go ahead and get started on a topic that I think most of us need to, need to visit and kind of get on with and, and figure out. And not just figure it out, but address it. It’s kind of the elephant in the room when it comes to anybody’s health plans, dieting plans. And it could even go into work.

It could go into relationships. It could go into lots of things. I don’t know about you, but I am such an all or nothing person. I’m just gonna be blatant right here. It’s the reason why I never started trying drugs, because I would be all in Or all off. And that’s not help. I mean, it’s not good. Whatever. I also know if I get into a cleaning, in a cleaning spree, I’m going to go all in until I’m tired and then I’m done.

And then I just like sit in clutter until that starts to irritate me. And then it’s all or nothing. And all or nothing mentality is kind of bred in us because, you know, we were taught as kids, you know, don’t ever give up. Quitters, quitters, you know, don’t be a quitter. That looks so bad on your name. It looks so bad on who you are.

all of that. And so then if we feel a certain way, we, we present ourselves, or we, we start feeling things, and we don’t feel confident enough, and then all of these weird non helpful thoughts and behaviors start popping up because of that. So let’s break all or nothing today, okay? Or at least start. So how does it usually go?

How does all or nothing usually go? It starts with guilt. And I’m going to talk to you more about guilt here in a little bit, but we start with guilt. Oh, I should be doing this. And I haven’t done that. I’ve neglected this or, you know, things like that. And then we move from that, like, okay, I understand this.

I, guilt is like propelling me to say I do need help with something. I need to do something about it. So then we get so excited when we find the something, and we study all the rules. We get all excited. We study all the rules. We’re like back and forth in the pamphlets. We’re like researching. We’re doing all the things, and we’re so dang excited that we’ve taken action.

Now we’re motivated to follow all those rules perfectly. And then, It happens. We get busy and somehow we can’t follow all the rules perfectly now. So then we start to feel down about how I’m just not able to do it right now. I stop showing up, I start to isolate, start to pull away because I feel shame.

I’m not connected and I’m not worthy. And then we go back to guilt again. And guilt triggers us this thing that, well, I don’t belong. This all must mean that I don’t belong. This won’t work for me. Or I can’t make this work. And then I’m going to go into this in just a minute. But shame versus guilt. I want you to look at this.

Shame is the intense, painful feeling or experience of believing We are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It’s an experience. It’s done to us, or we have done. We have failed to some. We have failed to do something, and that makes us unworthy of connection. And I don’t know about you, but in this current climate, in our culture, we are so disconnected.

We’re not lonely. We have tons of people around us all day every day. We can go to Bible study. We can go out to the grocery store. We can go meet a friend for coffee. We can go to work. We have all of these places that we can go and be around people, but it’s connection that’s the problem. And I want to talk about connection for a minute, especially when it comes to shame.

And remember on this last slide, I’m gonna go back one slide real quick. When this all happens, when it happens. We start to isolate and pull away, right? But over here, I want you to see a connection here. Isolation and disconnection is self-harm. You are punishing yourself when you pull away from your network, from your people when even from your self.

The disconnection. Isolation is a form of self-harm. I did not read that anywhere. I have not. I’ve just seen it. From examples of working with you guys, with one to one clients, and I see that it is a form of that, but guess what? I know what it feels like. I did something wrong, so that must mean I am unworthy of connection, so I’m just going to isolate and self harm, because we know when we’re isolated we are a target for temptation.

Whether it may be binging, if that’s your, if that’s your thing, overworking, if that’s your thing, whatever your thing is, we all have something, right? We all have something. But as soon as we start to pull away, that’s when we start the self harm cycle. And that’s when we start the all or nothing cycle.

Shame is not helpful or productive. That’s why I call it self harm. Because it’s something that we do to ourselves. And sometimes we can say, we can say, Oh, someone shamed me. And I understand, like, I understand what it’s like to feel shame from someone coming against you. But someone else’s behaviors and thoughts are a reflection of them, not of you.

It is your job and my job to have our sides of the street clean. Taking care of everything, and we’ll get to that here in a minute, what that looks like to have our side of the street clean here in just a few minutes, but shame is not helpful or productive. It’s self harm, and it is very destructive. It’s hurtful.

It’s not a solution or a cure. It’s a choice. to step into shame. Okay? Now, are we going to be perfect at, like, catching ourselves in this? Heck no. I don’t even, I think even therapists know that they have to have someone there to catch it for them. Because you may see, we can see everything in everybody else.

We got this. Like, I can see all the health problems in everybody else. But when it comes to me, I’m on the phone immediately with my practitioners. I’m like, okay, look, I know this is probably this, but I need you to hear my symptoms. Here’s what’s going on. Check me out. It’s okay to have someone else help take care of you.

And I put this on here, and I don’t mean to like go crazy or seem nuts or whatever, but disconnection, once we experience that isolation, we pull away self harm, disconnection can make us dangerous. dangerous to ourselves and dangerous to our relationships and others around us. We can cause other people to stumble because we feel a certain way about ourselves, and thus crossing the street into someone else’s side of the street, but disconnection can make us very dangerous, and that’s what shame does.

Guilt, on the other hand, is, is when we are, it’s adaptive and helpful, but it’s holding something that we’ve done or failed to do up against our values. So let’s say my value is, I’m put, I might, one of my values is to put God first, right? I can experience guilt because I didn’t put God first that day. I didn’t get my Bible, right?

And guilt moves us to doing something better next time. It’s not something that we sit in and wallow in and whatever. It’s something that moves us to doing better next time. Whereas shame is destructive and trying to pull us away from any kind of connection, whereas guilt makes us take action. Does that make sense?

Do you guys see that difference? So, what does all or nothing think or look like? And it looks like our thoughts and our behaviors. When I hear someone tell me I don’t have the time, that’s an all or nothing thinker. That is someone that is well oiled and well versed in. I don’t want to change. I have no desire to change.

Instead of saying I don’t have time, or I’m sorry, they’re saying I don’t have time because they think they have to be on all the time. Whereas the people that say I haven’t made the time. Know that there’s a responsibility in there, that they’re able to take that that radical responsibility. Like, well, I haven’t made the time.

Maybe I should ask for help on figuring out where to put that in. The people that say I can’t, I remember in like elementary gym class, like the, the PE teachers wouldn’t let us say I can’t. And I think about that. And my son actually brought that up last week. And he was like, cause he was asking me about workouts and like how he can be healthier and stronger and.

Maybe when the record button’s not on, I will tell you what I told him. But he’s like, I remember my gym teacher told me we weren’t allowed to say I can’t. I’m like, that’s right. You maybe not, maybe you’re not able to do it right now, or maybe you’re not able to do it yet. But practice means that we can, and I think we get this idea of, well, if I say I can’t, then I don’t even have to practice.

I don’t have to take radical responsibility. You’ve seen the theme here. All or nothing mentality is about radical responsibility

because we have been told over and over and over again, if you’re not doing this, then you’re not doing enough and you’re not going to get results. I don’t care if it’s school. I don’t care if it’s work. I don’t care what it is. When we say I’m a failure, you’ve already failed. Because you haven’t even tried.

You haven’t even given yourself a chance. We’re not a failure. We are, if you’ve gone through the Identity series already, you know you’re not a failure. That’s not even an option. I’m a quitter. How many of us, and I hate to pinpoint dads, but dads, you know, back in the day used to be this person, call it, like, set you up to be, you know, see it through, which, again, there’s nothing wrong with that.

But those of us that have all or nothing mindset, when we say, see it through, we’re going to literally kill ourselves to see it through. Or we’re going to feel like a quitter. When you say, I don’t have enough willpower, that’s all or nothing thinking. We don’t need willpower. It’s not about willpower. And I’ll talk to you about it here shortly, of how we get out of that mindset.

No more willpower here, and no more just relying on God. No more of that surface level crap is not allowed here. Because it’s not about that. We have to step into it. And then the other thought that we have is just frustration. Frustration, overwhelm. What does all or nothing look like behaviorally? We blame ourselves or others.

Because if we can at least place blame, then I must have no responsibility. Blame circumstances or genetics. Oh, I’m just so busy right now. Cool, but what can you do?

I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but 2024, I’m not playing the games anymore. And I’m leading by example of how I want you to live too. Life is too short for us to play the games with other people and ourselves. There is too much at stake. Too much at stake. There’s a whole life going on and yes, we can be gone like this.

But by golly, I want to leave a legacy here. And I know you do too. No more blame game, disassociation. We already talked about isolation. We already talked about, and then here’s my favorite overdoing and other places to compensate overcompensation so that we can hide that’s all it is. Your calendar, your I’m too busy is so you can hide.

So you don’t have to deal with the all or nothing mindset. That is one thing that we can control. And it is our calendar. If you have kids that are in afterschool activities or things like that, like you have control of that. My kids are allowed one thing, one sport. And one thing, like, I don’t like it’s Thursday’s already bad enough.

My poor husband, that’s why we have frozen pizza Thursday nights. If you didn’t know that we have frozen pizza Thursday nights. Excuse me. And why is that? It’s because I work 10 hour days on Thursdays. And because my husband’s running kids everywhere, like we’re literally running kids everywhere, our calendar, we have so much more control.

We don’t need to hide anymore. And here’s the answer. This is your takeaway tonight. The shift we need to make in our mind is not go research all the things on the, on the thing that we find. Don’t research. Don’t keep spinning. Don’t keep looking because the more you know, and the more you keep researching, the more you stop.

You take no action. There’s actually a study that said the more you know, your action actually starts coming down. When you stop researching and stop putting so much intake, like again, we have so much stuff that’s always coming into us in this day and age, as soon as we start intaking more and more and more, action stops.

We stopped taking action. That’s why we don’t get results. So the mind shift that we need to have is not all or nothing, not researching endlessly, not doing all the things that to know more, it’s consistency, getting consistent with what actually gets you results. And I wrote this in a different slide on a different slide, but consistency is not sexy.

It’s not flirty. It’s not fun and people are not going to compliment you for getting your water in. We are. People don’t care. All the people care about is, Oh God, you just, you look so good. You must have lost so much weight. And that goes back to people having somewhere along the way we, we have the permission to speak on women’s bodies.

Not okay. If you feel more confident, that’s a win. You show up and you’re not timid in your voice and in your power. That’s a win. You show up and you have blood work that comes back amazing. You have more energy in the afternoons. You’re not getting up at one to three P or three in the afternoon or in the, in the morning to pee.

You don’t have cravings anymore. You felt like you had so much, like, mental focus and power and you were super creative, you lost yourself in your creative thing, that is evidence of results. And we get that by being consistent with what actually matters. So no matter whatever nutritional element, skill, or behavior you choose, the most important factor is to practice.

Replace practice with take action. Replace that with radical responsibility and you have to practice it, implement it, do it consistently long term. You know, the people that get bariatric surgery, I’m not saying, I’m not against bariatric surgery specifically for some very, you know, like life or death situations, 5 percent of those keep the weight off for five years.

They’re now saying that only 8 percent will actually get down to their, their, their weight. Before they have started stretching out their stomachs again, and 3 percent or maybe less now, I’m trying to think of what the statistic was that I just read, but 3 percent at most keep their weight off forever after bariatric surgery.

Bariatric surgery is a, is a method to implement. But it is not a long term solution. Think about how many instant gratification things you have tried over the years. For me, I thought it was going to be all cool with like the SlimFast shakes as a kid. Oh yeah, I got that cool metallic tasting, shaked up can that had to be like super ice cold or it tasted even worse.

I remember that. The instant gratification was, that’s right, I’m doing something. Satisfaction, it did not binge later in the day because I was freaking hungry because I was meant to chew food and not drink my food, right? When you begin to feel resistance to drinking your water, eating your protein, you have made too high of an expectation on yourself.

That is noteworthy and I want you to write it down. When you feel resistance, to the habit that you’re focused on. It’s because you have put too high of an expectation on yourself that wasn’t asked of you. And maybe that high expectation is, I don’t need to ask for help, this is so easy. But I can tell you, getting protein is not always easy every day, is it?

Creativity flies out and you’re like, I just don’t want any more meat. Or I am so tired of water. Why does water taste like this? I need something that’s fruity. I need, you know what I’m saying? Like resistance sounds like that. I just don’t want to anymore. That’s resistance. What have we done to make it too complicated?

Consistency and this mind shift requires mindfulness. No more living life by default. Default, Living by default means I don’t make any changes. I start to feel better, but then all of a sudden these old habits start to slide in and that’s okay. Living life by default means that I don’t have energy. I don’t, I sit in front of the TV more often, even though I would really like to be a bit more active.

I want to like Groundhog Day, right? Like you guys are familiar with the movie Groundhog Day. That’s what living life by default means. Ruts. No change, no growth, no depth of who you are. That’s what that means. When I say living life by design. Means that you are aware of how much and what is going in your face, in your piehole, in your eyeballs, and in your ears.

You’re also aware of what is coming out of you. For out of the heart, the mouth speaks. Out of the heart, your behaviors show who you really are and what’s actually going on inside you. Accountability. You have to have accountability in order to live your life by design because we’ve talked about all the distractions that are out there.

We’ve talked about all of the things that could easily deter you, get you overwhelmed, and accountability happens inside this group. I just popped on there a few minutes before, and Sweet Virginia posted a message on there just like sharing her heart. That’s what it looks like. And if you don’t have the time to, to answer right then, then you, then you set a timer on your phone or you set a reminder on your phone or on the, write a note, get back to Virginia.

Because then in turn, someone’s going to get back to you too, in your time of need. Accountability happens on Sunday or Mondays, whenever I remember to post the post of your breakthrough party accountability sheets. Let’s see those. And if I forget, hold me accountable. We’re all human. That’s what it is.

We’re human and we need each other to get through this thing.

I kind of touched on this a minute ago when I was talking about your calendar, the things of life should happen on your terms, your doctor’s appointments, getting to the important meetings you want to get to. If Bible study is something for you serving volunteering in whatever form work, everything needs to happen on your terms because you know what that is?

Controlling what you can control. You can’t control other people’s opinions. Remind me of this later. I’m going to need this lesson myself. You cannot control other people’s opinions. You cannot control what’s going to happen as soon as you walk out that door. All you can control is you and staying in your lane.

So how do we do this? How do we stay consistent? How do we keep consistent? It was, it was the mindfulness. The next one is you got to reward yourself. We are no better than the two year old or the six year old that wants stickers. I’m sorry, but when I turn papers and I still want a sticker on it, I want to scratch and snip because remember those were like super special.

I want something to keep me going. There is no more compliance. I’m in compliance with the Wilderness of Wellness monthly challenge. Heck no. I don’t want to hear that. I want to hear, I’ve been consistent with getting my protein in. I want to hear that because rewards, or I’m sorry, rewarding your consistency means we get results.

We reward the results that you drank water. You feel less fatigue. Now there’s less swelling in your ankles. Those are things we celebrate. We don’t get them because, just because we’re tracking things. We don’t get them because we get 40 ounces every single day or 90 ounces every single day. We get those results of less fatigue and less ankles, or swelling in the ankles because we have drank consistently more water.

We’ve put in this habit.

Most of the time we’re so focused on what we didn’t do that we forget what we have done. So easy to see all the negatives. So getting into practice of rewarding means that we have to think about, think, think differently, that mind shift. What have I done well? And cheers, like share with us in the wilderness of wellness wall, like tell us what you have done.

Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I did this. I’ve never done this before. Or oh my gosh, I ate so much protein. I think I’m a barf. But I did it. Like, it’s fine. Like, be very real about it. But here’s what we do. We don’t treat ourselves with food. A reward is not going to go get a steak dinner. A reward is not going to go get ice cream.

A reward is something like, let me give you some examples. It cannot be food related, but many women like to get new underwear. Get new bras. There’s nothing like having them, them girls back up where they belong after you’ve had a, you know, a heavy an old bra. There’s nothing better than that. Some women like to go and I think is it Haley that puts money in a jar sometimes for a period of time and then uses that money to go buy something special.

There are, I’m trying to think of other rewards and go get a new Stanley cup. I don’t know. I’m not a Stanley girl. I’m, I’m anti the trend. For now, for now. But reward repeatedly doing tasks several times in a row. That’s the whole point. Not, Oh my gosh, I made it to a size 12 or a size 8. Like, I don’t care what size pants you are.

What kind of person are you and how are you enjoying your life? And so does everybody else. I want that really known. No one’s going to remember you for your pant size. Maybe if you were on Dr. Now’s, you know, what is it called? 600 pound life? Maybe. But no one’s going to remember you for your pant size.

They’re going to remember you for your smile, how you made them feel, and you can’t make people feel wanting to be around you if you aren’t taking care of yourself. So, tracking consistency is the next thing that you do. How we break the all or nothing cycle. Tracking consistency, we use the breakthrough party sheets to keep that accountable.

It is so tempting to track your weight and the speed of your results. And my response is going to be stay in your lane. You start to feel like, oh my gosh, the weight’s not coming off yet. Well, first of all, it takes nine days to lose one fat cell. Let that sink in for a minute. Two, the faster you get the results you want, the faster you’re going to rebound.

And three, what kind of person are you and how are you enjoying your day? Does anybody want to be around you? Cause you’re eating no food, stay in your lane, pay attention to what actually matters. Remember that successful people do the things that unsuccessful people won’t do. I’m thinking about the people that are on Octavia right now or have done Octavia in the past.

They’re not willing to do these things. They’re willing to take the short term sacrifices. And get the short term results, because it’s all about their ego, and how they feel, and how they want the compliments.

And I want to remind you that it’s not the fast things, the shiny balls that are sexy, it’s your results that are sexy. Focus on those, and if sexy is not your word, attractive could be your word, that’s totally fine, but I think you get the point. So, consistency is linked to results, not perfection. Not getting the results you want means that you’re not being consistent.

And what happens is you probably haven’t reached out because you’re starting to pull away and isolate again and self harm. You have questions. Oh my gosh, I have done this for six days. Why am I not feeling this? How should I be feeling after six days? Be honest. Be raw and authentic. We are there to meet you in that.

But most of the time you’re not getting results because you’re not planning. You’re not preparing, you’re not practicing, and you’re taking on an additional expectation that was never asked of you. I hope you enjoyed this opportunity to sit in on the teaching sessions, or well visits as I call them, inside my Wilderness of Wellness community.

The doors open to the Wilderness of Wellness soon, and I will drop the waitlist link down below in the show notes. The waitlist. is a phenomenal opportunity for you. It’s not a commitment that you’re going to join, but it is a commitment that you want to learn more about it and you will receive more information about it to make sure you are a right fit and this is a right fit for you.

But also the bonuses this time are insanely amazing. I’ve never offered a couple of these bonuses before at all, ever. And I want to make sure that you do have access to those. So there is no harm in putting your name on that wait list. Go put, go down to the show notes and put your name there and get on that wait list.

The wilderness of wellness is for women. It’s an exclusive opportunity to not only address your physical health, but your mental health, your mindset, your spiritual health. There are devotionals being posted in their book studies and so forth happening in there. You can do as much or as little as you want.

This is your journey. In fact, as soon as you join, the first thing you will see is that you cannot get behind. There’s no such thing as behind in this. And that’s interesting because there are some people that won’t start something because they think that they have to have a start date and an end date.

The wilderness of wellness is not like that. So if you are interested in learning more all about that, just head to the show notes below and get yourself on that wait list. Thanks for listening to the crying in my cheesecake podcast. I hope it encouraged you to make a next best step for your health.

Take a look at the show notes for more information or other links I mentioned in the episode. And if you got to this point, come find me on Instagram and send me a DM at crying in my cheesecake. Tell me, listen to this episode and what you got out of it.

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hey, i’m Danielle

I love Jesus. I love my family. And I get joy from having a front row view of people growing toward their goals because of what I’ve taught.

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