Are you a planner? Do you have a general plan for your life? What do you do when your plans don’t go as you expect?
For me, it’s like my world comes to an end. It’s like this inability to do whatever it may be slaps me in my face. Hard. And it hurts. It even leaves a mark.
I tend to be in control of nearly everything around me. I like things orderly, precise, and everything that comes with a well-planned ordeal. But life isn’t like that is it? Life isn’t always this smooth, well-planned ordeal. In fact life is messy. It’s painful. It leaves marks.
It seems to be even more of a painful thing when what happens with me is something I cannot control. Does anyone feel me on that? I’m not able to get pregnant on my own. So when I do get pregnant, it’s a huge deal. It’s also a scary deal because I miscarry easily. We’ve narrowed down the reason I am a high risk of miscarriage, but that wasn’t the case before June.
We had a miscarriage in December 2015. There was no explanation. I was sixty pounds lighter, I was very active, running multiple miles nearly daily. I was in the best health I had been in years. That doesn’t matter though, so I’ve learned. Miscarriage doesn’t discriminate. Anyone is susceptible. And for many reasons. Some reasons we may never know. And that is okay.
After given the go-ahead from my OB, we began fertility treatments with him. We worked alongside him for months. For some reason my body wasn’t cooperating. Like at all. Every single month was a disappointment. In fact we gave it a valiant effort at working with him for six months. Each month. Each painful month went by with nothing but disappointment.
What do we do then? What was left? Surrender. I finally surrendered this pregnancy to God because by the beginning of June I was done. I was ready to throw in the towel. I’m not a quitter, but I wanted to quit. I was determined that instead of looking like a failure for any longer, I’d just quit so it didn’t look like we were even trying to have another child.
It got so bad that at lunch with one friend and over the phone with another, I was asked if I even wanted to be pregnant. Wow. At that moment it was a wake up call. God was working on me. He wanted this next child, and yet here I was not obeying. I was getting angry and letting it get to me because it wasn’t happening easily.
My OB said after six months that he recommend we go to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. As my husband and I walked out together, hand in hand with our children, I looked at him. “Do you even want to do this?” His response was an affirmation. “Why not? There’s no harm in seeing what’s going on.”
And with that we were on this journey. A journey of surrender and a journey into the unknown.
The next few months, I’ll be sharing my infertility journey. This is new for me. Sharing in vulnerability. Publicly. Some of you may just enjoy the read or enjoy learning about me more. That’s fine. I pray that God will use my story to inspire something in you so that you will move in obedience to what He’s called upon your life. To those of you that have experienced miscarriage and infertility, I pray that my story provides you hope. Even if your story doesn’t end with a child in your arms from your own womb, your story, your desires are important. My desire is for you to crave a relationship with Jesus more than this child you’re longing to hold. Would you follow me? Would you take my hand and let me walk alongside you?
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