I’m one of those people who didn’t really have to work for much that I wanted growing up. I could listen in class, put forth little studying compared to my friends, and still be able to pass tests with A’s and B’s. I somehow managed to keep an A- GPA in high school and in college the same. I didn’t have to work hard because I was interested in what I was learning, yes I’m quite nerdy like that.
I love to learn. I love to delve into something new. I love coming upon new things I don’t know or understand and research so I can apply my new knowledge. But there are some things in life that don’t allow me to delve in and learn. There are things that require my active participation and only then do I get to learn in the process. There are even more things that I am not allowed or supposed to achieve.
And that is hard.
It’s hard for me to keep my hands off.
It’s hard for me to have a sense of achievement because I have no control.
Today was my husband’s 38th birthday. We are going through the Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) process. So thus our schedule is completely set at random and we have no idea which day what time anything will happen. Today was a drill day for him, a Sunday, so he woke up early on his birthday and drove the 40 minutes south to work. Meanwhile at 7:30 I wake up and take an ovulation prediction test and it turns positive. I called the fertility clinic and let them know. I had to be there at 9am. The clinic is about 30 minutes north of our house. I ask if my husband needed to come immediately. She recommended he come.
Here it is his birthday and I’m asking him last minute to drive back, not just home, but an extra 30 minutes only to find out that my eggs aren’t quite ready yet.
I wasn’t disappointed that my eggs weren’t ready, because they were huge compared to last time! They will ripen.
What I was disappointed about was that I disappointed my husband. Or at least I felt like I disappointed him. And I hate when I disappoint and inconvenience my husband. He doesn’t deserve to feel that way and I know what it is like to be on his end.
Then on my way home from the clinic, I drove thinking about what has just happened. It seems all too consuming and overwhelming. I began to pray aloud while my kids were watching Flushed Away in the back seat.
During that time of prayer God opened my eyes to something bigger. The disappointment and feeling bad I inconvenienced my husband… that feeling in my gut, do I have that for my sin?
Do I feel overwhelmed at my sin that it causes me to feel so bad that I turn to God in repentance? Do I have an overwhelming burden of others I know who aren’t saved? Do my prayers reflect the desperation like the desperation I feel to conceive?
The answer is no. I don’t always feel bad about my sin.
Sure I’ll have another helping of ______. | I’ll eat more than I need simply because it tastes good.
I’ll listen in on gossip because I’m nosey. | Gossip whether participating or by standing is not of holy and pure motive.
What I tend to do with my sin is hide it. Stuff it. Cover it up, especially when I know I messed up. I don’t want anyone to see how dumb I was because, honestly, when I mess up and give into the temptations Satan dangles, I feel so dumb and foolish. Like how in the world am I capable of not learning my lesson?
I hide it by simply knowing I messed up and tell myself I won’t do it again. What I need to do is confess it and ask for forgiveness. It requires a humbling of the ego and quite frankly I don’t like to be humble. I don’t want to be. I want to just be me.
That time of prayer and quieting my heart before God happened with my kids in the back seat watching a movie and with me driving. Just because I pulled into the front of my house and unloaded the kids, God wasn’t done with me yet. I got the kids situated with a snack and myself in front of the computer. Kathie Lee and Hoda were on. I popped open my Twitter account and looked to see what was trending.
#IDidNotSayItWouldBeEasy was there on the left. Uh what? How can that be trending? What is this related to? I clicked it. TD Jakes. That’s who. Just a simple message: “You cannot expect receive in the comfort of agreement.”
Hm… I have to go out into a world of disagreement. A place where I’m uncomfortable. A route I have not taken before, maybe. Because when I do that, I have no one else to rely upon but God. His guidance, and his control.
This process of family and marriage– it isn’t easy and there is nothing comfortable about it. No matter how my family is created, it is created out of love. The fight… it is so worth it.
This blog is part of a series in dealing with my current infertility journey. If you’d like to read more, please check out the following blogs